Five for Silver, Six for Gold

I woke up yesterday morning in a funk. When I sat with my feelings, I realized I’m pretty pissed off at Robin.

I looked back at her match.com profile and found it ironic that it said “I need someone who is not afraid to commit”. Her lack of commitment is what did us in. I found myself pissed because I put what ends up being just over what I make in a whole year (I’m working half-time since Frances died) into finishing the basement of what was to be our house. For space for her kids. I’ll be paying that loan off for 20 years. And another big chunk for a bedroom set that I’ll be paying for for the next two years. I’ll be a bittersweet memory for her in two years. I knew she was on the fence throughout our relationship, but it’s just not my style to do something halfway. Once I was in, I was in with both feet. So if she said she was in, I took her at her word. I would have been wise to look a bit more closely at her deeds in addition to her word. She didn’t want to sell her house “just in case.” “You know, I’ve gotten screwed over in the past”. She hadn’t packed a single box. She didn’t want my kids at her son’s soccer games. She didn’t want my kids to come to Michigan the first time I was to meet her brother. She couldn’t find it in her to drive 6 hours to spend Labor Day weekend with my family but made almost the same drive a few weeks later to visit her aunt and uncle that she can’t stand. She wouldn’t go on vacation this summer with us because she didn’t want to leave her disabled son with his dad for a week. Which is fine except for the fact that she assured me when we started dating that she gets two weeks “off” so she could do just that type of thing with us. She didn’t want my kids to have a play room on the main floor of our house. She would have preferred to have them keep their toys in their rooms only. She just wanted a kid-free world. I love having kids running underfoot and am looking very forward to having that play room right off the kitchen where I can enjoy hearing, i.e. Katherine pretending to be Angelina Ballerina and Francis being a Jedi Knight. She was concerned that, because the play room was right there as you come in the front door that it would be the first thing people saw. Hello? It’s a house with young children. What did she expect? Windsor Frigging Castle? I plaster the walls with my kids’ art. She wanted a single corkboard.

My stepfather told me last winter that Robin just wanted to be a “kept woman”. He’s a man I like and admire and respect, so I didn’t take that comment lightly. But I didn’t want it to be true either. Then I decided that it was actually ok if it was true and that’s what got me over the hurdle to decide to ask her to marry me. I now see in hindsight, that was a mistake. I didn’t compute the fact that being a “kept woman” meant not wanting to take any real responsibility for my kids. Maybe it’s a role no one can fill. Except that I have a very good friend that did just that and did it with great honor and love.

Robin told me once right after she quit her last job, “I’m just not born to work.” Perhaps that is so. I mean who is, right? But the life of a parent of three young kids in a middle class family with a job and a house and involvement in church and community is a lot of work and a little play. Which is great by me. There’s a lot of gold in that work. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Robin would. And that’s why it had to end.

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My funk is mostly dissipated since I wrote this two days ago. I’m looking forward more than back at this point. I’m generally a positive, optimistic person who sees life as a grand adventure. I’m glad I’m generally back to that place. My good friend Tammy pointed me to a fun mailing list at tut.com that sends you positive messages from “the universe” every weekday. Reminders of all the blessings we have if we take a moment to look. Mine are countless. As we say at mealtime in the grace I wrote for our family years ago “Let us give thanks for our friends, family and health. Amen.”