Nature vs. Nurture.
Robin and I haven’t spoken in over 48 hours. This is primarily at her insistence. When we spoke Monday evening, we chitchatted despite the crushingly narrow depth of field brought by the lens of our crumbling relationship. She said she wasn’t up for talking about the issues we were facing until we had time to devote to it. A few minutes later, she sent an email about the issues we were facing. Initially, I was frustrated by this, but I quickly realized it’s actually an opportunity since I write better than I speak.
Since then it’s been all text messages and email. Tonight she sent a pretty well worded and pretty well considered email about the issues we were facing. She pointed out an example of how she just kisses her kids and tells them to go to bed where I do stories and singing and tucking for all three. Well, Kaitlin is kind of over my singing 
So we just talk more. Robin illustrated, by this example (and it’s one of many), that she’s not really a nurturer.
I can say with certainty that the reason my kids have not only survived but have thrived despite the catastrophe of losing their mother is due to the fact that I have nurtured them with the veracity of a thunderstorm. Robin and I just see nurturing differently. Love is enough in her estimation. I think love is necessary and nurturing is critical. You only get so many years to nurture your kids. So our differences in nurturing have led us to deadlock. It’s the kernel of the problem.
I replied with these observations and the fact that they are no longer avoidable. That I don’t want her to change, and that I see that it’s not going to be the right fit for everyone. I finished by suggesting that now our task is to find a graceful exit. I think we will be able to do so. I’m not sure what to say to my kids who have grown fairly attached to her, but I’ll sit with it for a while and something will come.
We’ve had two more exchanges via text since I started this post. Perhaps it’s fitting that a relationship that started with a wink on match.com ends via email and text message.
You’re doing right by your kids-remember that. I wish I would have had someone to nuture me when it happened to me-I didn’t, and I don’t know how to ask for it now-I push it away.
I hope you find that person that will match you.
Thank you so much for writing this, Thor. This is so hard. Having these words is pretty reassuring this morning.
I don’t really expect I’ll find a person to match me and especially my situation at all. Maybe when my kids are all older I’ll find someone. Right now I can’t even fathom the idea of starting another relationship.
You are a good man and good parent, and your dedication to balancing your own self-awareness with recognition of what your kids need is so very admirable. Seriously, these are traits we would all do well to emulate.
You know I love your Freudian slips, baby!
Veracity of a thunderstorm rings true, as does ferocity. You are a ferocious nurturer. Your kids continue (and will forever) to reap the benefits of it.
Of COURSE you’ll find someone. Good grief. The stars just don’t do that! However, you won’t find her in the next few weeks… so hunker down and love on yourself like you’re your only soulmate. Keep becoming the one you want. Follow your gut. All that good stuff.
Love and more love and energy to you, to Robin, to the babes.
xoxo
Oh, that is a good Freudian slip! Thanks Jess! It will all work out. I’m definitely not going to be looking for quite some time. In fact, I’m going to finally figure out how to do FWB, I think. It may involve a lot of tequila.
“Perhaps it’s fitting that a relationship that started with a wink on match.com ends via email and text message.”
That is poignant.
Somehow, I just don’t see you as an FWB kind of guy. Then again, tequila can change a lot.
Your children are so lucky to have you.
Not all parents put their kids first in that way.