It appears that we are in a full-fledged sub-prime emotional crisis now. Experts have been predicting this for some time now. Analysis to follow at 11 on Larry King Live. Or maybe Dr. Laura.
Robin called me on Monday morning. After a brief hello, she was in tears. She told me she wasn’t sure she could go through with this after all. That she was afraid she’d lose her freedom. That she’d have no personal space in our new home. I told her I could understand her fear and that I realize this is a massive undertaking for her. After some more reassuring, I told her that I think the truth is that she wants me but doesn’t want my kids. She denied it. I said, “let’s be honest, you really don’t want to take on the responsibility of raising my kids.” Silence. No denial there. I told her that I love her and I want to spend my life with her. I also said that if she commits to me, she has to commit to my kids. I reminded her that I hit a point this past summer where I realized that if I never got married and it was just the kids and I indefinitely, that we would all be ok. That if things didn’t work out for us, I would be initially upset, but would be fine. I also told her that I now see it’s not quite that simple. That if she and I move in together and if we get married, she’s committing to my kids. If things don’t work out for us, my kids lose another mother. I told her that’s not at all ok for me. That if she’s not totally committed to this effort from the start, she’s going to do these kids a world of harm, especially my two youngest – Katherine and Francis – she would be the only Mom they have any conscious memory of. Yes she will lose a lot of freedom and personal space. And she’ll gain three of the kindest-hearted children in the whole world and will have the satisfaction of raising them with love and compassion.
Because my kids are my blood, I don’t have the choice of not raising them. Of not orienting every effort, directly or indirectly toward ensuring their success and well-being. They are the reason I live. They joy of having them in my world in unassailable. Even when they’re being bratty little cretins, even when I lose my temper with them, it’s still easy to find the infinite reservoir of love I have for them.
I miss the old Robin. The one that used to be really excited to see me every time. That used to be glad to hear from me on the phone. The one that used to like foreplay. The one that used to help me read and sing my kids to sleep. The one that would run with me in the afternoons to pick up my kids.
We had dinner tonight and I asked my Francis about his favorite part of going to the local mid-18th century French trading post re-enactment. He said there were three favorite things. As he proceeded to rattle these things off, Robin picked up her phone and started checking the weather. Later when he started telling another story, she turned the wine bottle and started reading it.
The issue that is becoming more and more critical is that of Robin having Francis down to her house for a sleepover. Just before school started, Robin had Katherine down for a sleepover at her house. They had a great time and it was a big thing for Katherine. Since then, Francis has been asking for one as well. Robin was very non-committal to Francis when he asked. That sent the very wrong message to him, so I pressed the issue with her later and asked her to set a date. She did and when the date approached, she said she was having a hard time regarding my kids (this was two Fridays ago) and postponed indefinitely. We’re all moving in together in less than 4 weeks, so there’s not much more time left to do it. Yeah, she could take him down there after we move (she doesn’t want to sell her house yet “in case something doesn’t work out”). The longer this draws out, the more Francis gets the message that he’s in second place in her heart.
Francis had a soccer game at 4pm tonight and Addison (her older son) at 5pm. It wouldn’t have worked, logistically, for her to come to Francis’ game. But we were going to come up to Addison’s and get there sometime during the first half. The first time I suggested it, she said something like “You can come, but I won’t really be able to spend much time with you. I’ll probably be up in the corner cheering with Julie.”
Families sit together and cheer together at soccer games.
Then, 5 minutes before the game was to start, when we were already en route, she left me a voicemail saying, “Maybe it would be best for your kids to just go home after Francis’ game – they might be cranky if the had to watch some more soccer.” Truth is, she had no idea what kind of mood they were in. As it turns out, they were in pretty good spirits and were well behaved all day, for the most part. She assumed they’d be distracting brats.
Families at least try to be together when the opportunity presents itself.
Robin started talking about marriage *very* early on in our relationship. Making half-serious jokes about it 11 days into dating. I had my doubts for a long time. All through my doubts, she was tenacious. Unwavering in her drive for us to move forward. Now I’ve worked through my doubts about marriage in general and about her in specific and have decided I will spend my future with her, loving the positive sides and accepting the negative. Funny that now she’s the one who is having earth-shaking ambivalence. Funny that her match profile said, “I need someone who is not afraid to commit.” Perhaps a bit of a case of “Be careful what you wish for, you may actually get it.”
A big part of her difficulty is the fact that she’s leaving her mom behind. She lives around the corner from her and spends time with her daily. Her younger son, Johnson, spends time with his grandma daily as well. This is a hard, hard thing for her. I understand this. This is one of the big reasons I wanted her to have more ambivalence earlier on. I think she was being a bit naive about how much was at stake. By postponing working through some of these feelings, she’s dragging the rest of us into it too now.
What I’m asking for in a mate is a steady companion, a commitment to helping me raise my kids well and help with the burden of running a home. What I offer in return is a genuinely good heart, a generally positive spirit, a guy who can talk about feelings, and financial security. Right now, I feel like Robin wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants a good man and financial security, but doesn’t want the kid part. Her mood was pretty low all spring and has been so a good part of late summer and early fall now as well. So the steady companion is not going so great. Haven’t seen the old Robin in a while. The running a home remains to be seen. Tidy is not the strong suit for either of us. Perhaps working together, our space will be in better shape than either is alone.
So, as you know, I’ve asked her to marry me. Since I’ve done so, I’m not so sure that was a good idea. I do want to marry her. But only if she’s on board 100%. And she clearly is not.
I mentioned Imago theory in my last post. The idea is:
- We marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits.
I don’t want this to be true. But I think that I probably is. Robin is definitely a composite of my mother and my stepmother. I’m tired of working. I don’t want to do this work. I just want to hang out with someone and enjoy them (and their kids, if any) and have them enjoy me and my kids. Maybe I should have learned to like the Indianapolis Colts or NASCAR or something that otherwise seems completely incompatible. I should have dated a few Republicans. My mom and stepmother are both commited liberals.
My mom is, admittedly, not much of a little kid parent. She “doesn’t do little kids”. And she really didn’t when my brother and I were little either. She was a pretty good parent of us as pre-teen and teenagers. And a great parent as an adult. My stepmom is a terrible parent. Period. Never showed any affection. Is a very damaged person that everyone in my extended family has great dislike for. And I so needed the love and affection of a mother at 9 years old.
Sometimes I feel like one of those monkeys in a Harry Harlow experiment that they took away from its mother and gave it a wire model instead. Can I avoid this for my kids? Am I so broken that it’s impossible to discern? This is one of the things that gave me comfort with Frances. She was good with little kids. I knew my kids’ formative years would be ok. Sure could use a bit of that comforting feeling right now.
Oh kyle….
I’ve been learning the hardway lately that being hard, and cautious and worried as she’s being, ends only with pain. I’ve had to relearn how to open my heart, since that’s the only way to be loved.
She sounds terribly terribly scared of being hurt, and like she is pushing you away. The reality of being responsible for someone else’s children, children who lost their mother…that’s huge. I’m fairly certain that ended the one serious relationship my father ever had (that I knew of), along with other reasons. Not only would they be taking on other kids, but they’d be taking on wounded, hurting kids, and replacing thier mother.
That’s a lot. And I’d bet that lately, she’s realizing this in spades. I don’t know if I could do it, that’s for sure.
Can you put a hold on moving in together? Maybe she wants commital, but didn’t expect it this soon? Maybe she wanted the security of someone wanting her, but wasn’t really thinking of the day to day real life ups and downs.
I believe she loves you, and the kids-from everything you’ve said, I think that’s true. But she sounds freaked out, and rightfully so.
Can you guys get some counselling together? Try and iron out the real issues? I’ve acted like she is-something huge is bugging her, and it scares her to face it with you.
I’m babbling-I hope this works out, for all of you.
I second Thor’s counseling idea. My new Official Position on marriage is that lots of counseling should happen for even the happiest, simplest situation. I’m dealing with some huge growing pains now from the change that parenthood has made, and if the foundations were stronger, it’d be easier.
Your situation is massively complicated, and I LOUDLY applaud your practicality and making the kids your priorities.
Can I request a Cast of “Characters” post? How old are the kids now? What are they into?
Glad you’re writing through this. {Big ol’ hugs}
My friend~ I don’t know if what Thordora says is the case. It may be, but we all come with our own filters… perhaps it is the case- fear of being hurt is so great- but perhaps… perhaps… hm. Perhaps she simply doesn’t want to do the work. Her kids are a few years from independence… at least one is. She has it good- a laid back job, time to visit with her mom, a man to have dinner with. Hm. My filter kicks in~ when I head to Blockbuster to rent a movie, sometimes I’m glad I’ll have the evening free after 9 to watch it, eat ice cream, whatever. No mate to worry about- does he want to read tonight? Talk? Nope- I can do what I want, plain and simple. Perhaps it is simply that she doesn’t know how she’ll do to give this up. At any rate, best to stare it all in the face- with a counselor?- not overthink it nor underthink it all, and maybe commit to not moving forward on anything for 6 months. She stays in her house. You move to your new one- cool! And see.
You are correct re; your kids. Children are resilient, but there can be NO WAVERING on the part of any woman coming in as a stepmom. It’s in or out. I heard Will Smith, the actor, tell a reporter that the reason he and his wife were still together and so happy and strong was that they agreed from the get-go there was no out. No matter what- there’d be no betrayal, and there’d be no divorce. He said when they fight, they always come back to each other soon after because they know there is nowhere else to go- it’s the commitment they made. You must have this or none of it.
My counselor, whenever I get scared of making a commitment again, says that I must tell the man I decide to be with that there will be no second chances. If he cheats, I’ll blow his balls off. (OK, that’s kind of a joke, but it makes the point!) There will be no mercy, no forgiveness, no “let’s work on this” bullshit. I’m gone. I won’t even waste one more second of my energy on you if you do this, or if you even tell me you are “not sure” about “us” anymore. Nope. (And this may seem to harsh to some, but if you’ve been through infidelity, I recommend it. No need to go through that twice.)
It seems she has not been truthful with herself (either by not really understanding how she felt, or by hoping it would go away), and now it must be handled, swiftly, and before marriage or cohabitation. You have invested much. You have the most to lose. The scale must be a bit more balanced now. She will have to do some work now. There are kids involved.
And tomorrow the sun will still rise.
I’m sorry for the long comment.
Thank you all for such thoughtful replies. We had already talked about pre-marital counseling. Got the name of someone that apparently does good work in this arena. So tomorrow I call.
Ocean – I agree about the no second chances. I definitely have that opinion when it comes to infidelity. Frances and I were completely faithful and had to be because we’d have been out in a second otherwise. I’ve already made that clear to Robin as well. Withholding nurturing from my kids is a trickier issue. If she does it consistently, we can’t continue. If she has a bad day or week or month, well…
Daisy – I’ll definitely do a cast of characters post here shortly.
I may suggest postponing cohabitation. I’m going to move either way. And if things don’t work out, I have a kickass new house with lots of room for guests. If she moves forward and can’t nurture my kids to some reasonably level, then she’ll have to move back out.
Thor – your first paragraph just keeps resonating. You are a wise woman and I appreciate you sharing this particular lesson. I had to learn it a LOT in my 30s. I understand and accept it now. I’m not sure Robin does.
I don’t know the answer – and I’ve read your subsequent posts, so I’m getting a sense of *your* answer, and that’s really all that matters. There’s no such thing as an objective, one-size-fits-all answer for matters of the heart.
But a couple of things you wrote here resonated with me. One is that she’s right: she won’t have a space of her own in the new house. Moms don’t. Kids get their own room, and somehow Dad finds a way to carve out a garage or a den or something (usually, not always, I know)… but the spaces that are considered “Mom’s” are actually group spaces: the kitchen, the living room, even the bathroom. It’s been a realization I have come to over the past few years, how there is noplace in the house that I can clean or leave cluttered at my own whim only, no place that is decorated with only my own preferences in mind. It matters, especially if you’re used to having your own space; marrying at 22 means I never really did, so it took me longer to realize it and miss it. It shouldn’t matter to the point of ending a relationship – and it certainly doesn’t, to me – but when someone is casting about for reasons to end a relationship, it’s as legitimate as any.
And two is that instinct matters. Always, when it comes to your kids. No matter whether you’re a mother or a father, no matter whether you’re dealing with an illness or a teacher or a doctor or a lover, if you have warning bells going off, you should listen to them. A warning bell does not always signal catastrophe; many problems can be solved. But problems can only be solved after you acknowledge and define them.
I’m sorry it’s all so hard for you. No fair, truly.